Gather around, children, and I shall tell you about a fantastical story about a dreaded horror! It is a brown horror, that can only be refferred to as a single word: Ubuntu.
It happened not but five years ago. A young white African man named Mark “White Rhino” Shuttleworth visited the tribe of Poo`Fu`kku. He had traveled there because he realized with utter horror that he had no purpose in life. A rambling homeless person in a bar had told him: “Go South, young man, go South!”
And so he had went. He experienced the rich, unusual culture of the Poo`Fu`kku tribe. He lived on the exotic diet of ebola and Gwanta (Thin cookies made out of dirt and butter.)
And then came the rituals. Oh, the rituals. They had brought forth the rituals of the North, and made them wonderful. Mark’s favorite was known as “Poomba”. Twelve young girls of the Poo`Fu `kku tribe stood around him, and he chose his bride. She was a 14 year old, crippled girl who had lost her leg due to cancer. They were married, and they celebrated by eating a very rare mushroom: Amanita Muscaria (commonly known as fly agaric)
After eating this hallucigenic plant, Mark and his wife began to urinate upon one another. They licked up every droplet, and entered a second stage of hallucigenic euphoria.
When he had awoken the next morning, he had noticed that his wife, “The JungleBunny” was dead. In her place lay an elderly shaman named “Uhu Kaluru” (Warty Warthog). He looked down, and realized that his entire chest was covered in the shaman’s feces. It was true love at first sight.
Uhu and Mark grew very close over the course of the next several weeks. The entire village saw the shaman as Mark’s new wife, and Mark felt happy. He always brought flowers for Uhu, and Uhu would ride him well throughout the night in return.
One day, Uhu and Mark wandered into an open field. They both could feel the raw sexual tension in the air, and they began to make love like never before. Every animal in the jungle heard their moans of pleasure, and they obliged by defecating all over the two lovebirds.
The hallucinogens had passed through their systems many times over by now. They were in such a high and wonderous state, they both had the same thought in their minds: Why not share this love with everyone?
And so they ran down to the village. They gathered up fourteen boys and a young baby, and they happily returned to the field and had an orgy. The field cows observed this scene with joy, and they ejaculated all over the writhing mass of asses and balls.
The weeks wore onward. Finally, the orgy was finished, and all of the children died. Uhu reassured Mark that this was natural.
Amongst the African-French kisses, Uhu told Mark that the concept of Ubuntu should be smeared upon everyone’s chests, to ensure true happiness and unity. For the first time, Mark had truly understood the concept of Ubuntu Freedom.
After his wonderous trip, he decided to try out that newfangled “Windows XP” that he saw for sale at a local electronics outlet. He became outraged that a single blue box would cost so much, and so he vowed to create an alternative. He decided to rip off of the Debian project, which he used to supply proprietary code to.
After forking off the kernel and code severely to supply incompatibilities with Debian, Mark spent several million dollars on ex-employees of Apple, Microsoft, IBM, HP, and other software companies. It is not a coincidence that he hired people who had all been fired from their previous jobs for incompetence. Canonical was now a force to be reckoned with.
It took a solid year to produce something substantial enough. In the end, they had a bloated, slow, buggy distro that only an utter moron could use. To add a finishing touch, Mark smeared the remainder of the sex-poop he had from his experience in the jungle, and he smeared it on a piece of cardboard. He then scanned it into his computer. The Ubuntu color scheme had been completed.
After all this hard work, Mark was still displeased that his distro wasn’t buggy enough. He designed the LTS (Love-Time Suckling) to provide a featureset of outdated libraries, incompatible versions, and non-GPL’ed code. It was then offered as a “stable” service pack.
Every six months, the Ubuntu team works on making the distro even worse. That is because of a concept learned by Mark: when people are miserable, hold their hands. Then, smear more feces on their chests. They end up mindlessly worshipping their leader, and love Ubuntu like the other 600,000 brainwashed users.
And their community? It’s run by absolute jackasses, and followed by utter retards. Hopefully, one day they will pass away, and the world shall go on.
And THAT’S the Ubuntu story.